Aftershocks
by jumbledup925
Summary: Lee and Amanda's marriage and careers are no longer a secret. This story explores the impact of these revelations on the family. Will one particularly difficult case change them all forever?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: "Scarecrow and Mrs. King" is the property of Warner Bros. and Shoot the Moon Productions. I enjoy occasionally borrowing their characters for entertainment purposes only.

Chapter 1: Irrational Fears?

A hungry Jamie entered the kitchen, eager to fix himself breakfast, his teenage appetite having returned with a vengeance. He and Phillip were supposed to be spending the weekend with their father and Carrie, but he hadn't been able to stop thinking about the tale-end of a conversation that he'd overheard immediately before Joe picked them up. As hard as he tried, he couldn't stop the angst-inducing exchange he'd heard from repeating in his mind to a point where he was thinking of little else.

He fervently wished that he hadn't overheard his parents' conversation, and in the months since his mother had revealed her marriage to Lee, and their true careers to the family, he'd fully embraced the couple as his parents. He loved his father, but much to his surprise he'd come to feel that Lee was dad-material in a way that Joe King had never been. Admittedly, it had taken him a long time to bond with Lee, having initially felt threatened by the man's growing place in his mother's life.

Despite his distant and occasionally borderline hostile behavior, Lee had continued to reach out to him. That alone had surprised the sometimes moody adolescent, but what had truly shocked him was the eventual realization that they were more alike than different. The older man had readily accepted him as is, and didn't compare him unfavorably to his far more gregarious brother. Although he was convinced that he tried to hide it, his own father seemed to prefer Phillip's company to his.

The events of the evening during which Amanda had revealed her secret life to her mother and sons were forever seared into Jamie's memory. Even months later, he wasn't sure whether he was more shocked that she had secretly remarried or that she'd become a spy…err, intelligence operative. It was surreal; his normal mom had spent the past four years doing things that he'd only seen done in the movies. He was proud that she and Lee routinely risked their lives in order to serve their country, but seemingly unlike Phillip, that knowledge shook him to his core. His brother found their affiliation with the Agency to be "way cool"; didn't he realize that it meant that one day it might cost them their lives?

That general concern and having overheard his mother say that their current case was getting "very ugly"; with Lee concurring that "events are rapidly spinning out of control" led Jamie to feel an impending sense of doom. If an experienced agent like Lee was truly concerned about this case, than surely the pair was facing grave danger. The teen quickly regretted his decision to confide in his brother, when the older boy derided his concerns by observing that he "worried like an old lady".

Shortly thereafter, Jamie had persuaded Joe to drop him at home based on the pretext that he wanted to spend a few hours working on a school project with a friend. Joe had reluctantly agreed, having no way of knowing that his son really wanted to go home to maintain a solo vigil while waiting for the agents to return home from an overnight stakeout.

Upon being dropped off, Jamie let himself into the house and was about to drop his duffle bag on the floor, when he heard his grandmother's voice in his head, admonishing him to take his belongings up to his room. Slowly trudging up the stairs, he wished that she hadn't gone away for the weekend. He wouldn't trouble her by telling her what he'd overheard, but he instinctively knew that he'd draw some solace from her mere presence.

 _I'm not a little kid anymore; I can face waiting for Mom and Lee by myself._ He was so lost in his own thoughts, that he didn't hear the unmistakable sound until he was about to pass the open door to her…their bedroom…the shower was running. _They're home, they're okay!_ As the dread that had been plaguing him drained away, he idly wondered why the bedroom door was open. _Because they think that they have the house to themselves._ Wanting to give them some privacy, he quickly turned around and went back downstairs.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Harsh Realities

As Jamie reached for a cereal bowl, it occurred to him that while he was thrilled that his parents were home, they might not be as pleased to discover that he'd returned as well. They all enjoyed spending time as a family, but they were after all, still relative newlyweds. Maybe, he should go to his friend's house as he told his father he was planning to do. Was Rick even home? He didn't know and he didn't really want to find out, but he couldn't go anywhere else. He wasn't allowed to go out without letting one of the parental figures in his life know where he was going.

While he was pouring cereal into the bowl, he was surprised to hear the backdoor open behind him. Quickly turning around, he saw Lee entering the room, his clothing soaked in dried blood. 

"Leeee," he squeaked, as his face became ashen.

"Jamie, what are you doing home? Are you okay?"

The exhausted agent roughly raked a hand through his already disheveled hair. 

"Am I okay? You're the one that's covered in blood," he exclaimed as he quickly closed the distance between them.

"It isn't mine. It's not your mom's either, she's-"

"Upstairs, I thought that you were too," the still shaken boy volunteered.

"She was able to leave the Agency before I was. I'm sorry you saw this," he said gesturing towards his gore covered attire. "If I'd known that you'd be here, I would have changed my clothes before I came home, you shouldn't have seen this."

"Why? I'm not a little kid anymore…I know that what you and Mom do is dangerous, and I worry about it. You could have been killed last night," he said, challenging him to deny it.

"But we weren't, we're fine," he countered with Scarecrow-like bravado.

"You don't look fine, you look like shit," he ventured as he fully appraised his step-father's appearance.

"Jamie, that language is-"

"No worse than the language I'm sure you use in the field."

"That may be, but you're-"

"Thirteen years old, and I hear much worse language in school."

Lee didn't like hearing that, but he didn't doubt that it was true, so he chose to remain silent.

"I understand that the details about what you and Mom do are classified, but please don't insult my intelligence by telling me that nothing went wrong last night."

"What do you want me to say? The whole operation went to hell around us," the overwrought adult exclaimed, further stunning the teen. "But we're trained professionals and we're provided with various means for dealing with the stresses that we face."

Jamie pushed his glasses higher up his nose, and looked at Lee with an unconvinced expression on his face. Uncomfortable with the teen's unwelcome scrutiny, he walked past him and headed towards the idle coffeemaker.

"We have access to shrinks," he continued, determined to reassure the teen whose only response was a raised eyebrow. Undeterred, he went on, "We help each other also, and your mom knows that she can always turn to me for support."

"Who do you lean on," Jamie challenged as he came to stand next to him.

"I ask for help if I need it, but I don't, I'm just fine," he asserted a little bit too stridently.

"No, you aren't," Jamie countered, reaching out and taking the coffee scoop from Lee's shaking hand. "Please let me help you."

"I'm just exhausted, that's all, but if it'll make you feel better, I'll go sit down and you can make the coffee." 

"That isn't what I meant and you know it. When you moved in here, you told us how much it meant to you to finally be part of a family again…well, families help each other through difficult situations. If you expect us to lean on you, than you need to be willing to reach out to us for help sometimes. I'm a good listener."

"I don't doubt it," he replied, scrubbing his fist across his blood-shot eyes, "it must be in the genes."

Could the loner who rarely leaned on anyone accept help from a teen? And if he didn't, would it dramatically weaken the strong bond that had slowly developed between them?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Inching Closer

"Mom and Grandma are the best listeners that I know."

Jamie made a show of focusing on the unfamiliar task of starting the coffeemaker, while he considered how he could best help his new stepfather.

"I used to talk to them about everything, but I'm older now…and there are just some things that a guy doesn't want to talk about with his mom. A while back, I kinda let that slip to her," he confided, turning around to look at Lee.

"I guess that wasn't easy for her to hear."

The spent agent sat up straighter in his chair, as his concern about his family eclipsed the grim thoughts that had been plaguing him. He turned his full attention to the boy whose growth he'd been following with increasing interest since his fateful meeting with his mother.

"She wasn't happy," the youth conceded ruefully. "She took it okay though, and suggested that I talk to Phillip or Dad about whatever was bothering me. I must have rolled my eyes or something because she laughed, and admitted that maybe turning to Phillip wasn't such a good idea."

"It's good that you've got your dad to reach out to." _I really hope that he'll come to me sometimes, but Joe is his father, and a good man. I won't say anything against him even though I don't understand how he could walk away from his family for so many years._ "I guess you felt better after you talked to him."

"I didn't," he replied, as he brought his cereal bowl to the table and sat down.

"You didn't feel better?" _I hope the coffee is ready soon; I must be more tired than I thought. Didn't he bring up this line of conversation in order to convince me that talking things out always helps?  
_

"I didn't talk to Dad," the adolescent clarified.

Knowing that he had Lee's full attention, he scooped up a spoonful of cereal and left his companion to wait for him to elaborate.

"I love Dad," he continued with his head bent over the bowl, "and I like to spend time with him." He slowly looked up and across the table to find a pair of hazel eyes focused on him. "But he doesn't really know me…I think when he looks at me he doesn't see me, he sees him."

"Him?" _Oh, good grief, if he's going to start rambling like his mom, I'm not sure that I'm in any shape to keep up._

"Sorry, I guess I'm not making sense to you…let me get your coffee, and try to explain myself better. I think that when Dad looks at us, Phillip and me, he sees the very small boys that he left behind, not literally, but he doesn't want to face up to how much of our lives he missed out on. I doubt that Phillip even notices, and he doesn't generally see things the way that I do. _Sheesh, he's practically staring at me. Maybe, I've said too much, we're still getting to know each other and I don't usually let my guard down this much, but than neither does he and I really want to connect with him._ "People who know both of us, only see me as the little brother, a Phillip wanna-be. That used to be accurate, I followed his lead and wanted to do whatever he was doing, but things have changed…I've changed. I don't have anything against Phillip, well not much anyway, but lately I've realized that I'm okay with just being Jamie."

"Hey, you should never think of yourself as being 'just Jamie'. I think that you're a great kid, and yes, you are very different than your brother, that's why you and I-"

"Didn't hit it off right from the start, the way you did with Phillip. You guys are both into sports and cars, you bonded almost immediately.

"No, Jamie, I wouldn't call it bonding, it was more a matter of finding common interests that we could talk about easily. A true bond is deeper, it's based on a lot more than shared hobbies, and it has far more to do with…ahh…a shared perspective on life's larger issues."

Jamie returned to the table with a cup of coffee and a container of cream. Lee accepted the beverage while pausing to choose his next words very carefully. When he didn't continue speaking, the teen returned to the refrigerator in search of orange juice. Emboldened by not having to speak face to face, the life-long loner reached out haltingly.

"You and I feel things deeply, and we…agonize about stuff…and even though we consider sharing those thoughts with someone else…we're not sure if we should or how to get started. Some topics are very difficult to talk about and they aren't pleasant to hear about either."

"It seems to me that sharing a conversation like that could bring two people closer together."

The earnest expression on Jamie's face was eroding the weary agent's resolve, and yet he still hesitated.

"My career hasn't been like one long action-movie. Reality is grittier, it can get ugly…it isn't simply a matter of the good guys versus the bad guys. I've had to, err, been willing to do some things that I'm not proud of. Getting close to me has changed your mother-"

"In many ways," ventured a freshly showered Amanda, as she entered the kitchen unnoticed by the pair.

She fervently believed in talking things out, but was she willing to allow her impressionable son to hear about the tragedy that she was still struggling with?

Author's note: I'd like to thank my readers for taking the time to read this story and offer feedback. As a writer, knowing that you're out there is like having fuel added to my creative engine.

I'd also like to offer a shout-out to clagjanet for unwittingly suggesting the title for this chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Is there a voice of reason in the room?

Amanda quickly closed the distance between herself and her son.

"Good morning. Are you feeling okay?" Before he had the chance to reply, she reached out and touched his forehead, and then ruffled his hair affectionately. "I doubt that you're running a fever."

"I'm not sick; I just wanted to come home."

"Were you and your brother having trouble getting along?"

"Nope."

He wished that she wouldn't pursue the question of why he'd returned home, but he knew her well enough to know that she would.

 _If I can distract her, maybe Lee will jump in and change the subject?_ "Phillip and Dad were too busy discussing his bad report card to pay any attention to me."

"I'm sure that your dad commended you on your outstanding grades. We're all very proud of you."

She smiled at him, and there'd been pride evident in her voice, but her body language was anything but relaxed, and she hadn't looked at Lee since she'd walked into the room. That fact was not lost on her already frazzled spouse, who decided that his wisest course of action was to keep a low profile.

"Yeah, Dad mentioned my grades in passing. It was during dinner last night. and I think it was because he was trying to keep his mind off of the food since Carrie's cooking hasn't improved much. Speaking of meals, Lee and I were about to have breakfast, do you want to join us?"

"He needs to go take a shower while I make your breakfast," she stated brusquely, continuing to address Jamie rather than her husband.

"Can't his shower wait?"

"The shower can wait, but he needs to take off those clothes now."

"Your mother's right," Lee interjected, rising from the table wearily. "I should never have worn them home, and if I'd known that you'd be here, I wouldn't have. I wasn't thinking clearly, and I'm sorry that you saw them. Excuse me; I think I will shower before I put on fresh clothes."

After he rushed from the room, Jamie eyed his mom apprehensively.

"What he needs right now isn't a shower. Taking off those bloody clothes and showering isn't going to change what happened."

She hadn't expected to be challenged by him, but more importantly, she wasn't prepared to see such maturity in his eyes.

"What do you know about last night? Did he tell you what happened?"

"Not yet."

"Good." _I know he's not a little boy anymore, and in many ways he's more mature than his brother, but that doesn't mean that I'm ready to allow him to be touched by the realities of Agency life._

"Not talking about it won't change what happened," the teen continued to prod.

"I'm well aware of that fact, but I don't want what we do for a living to change you."

"How could finding out that you and Lee risk your lives on a potentially daily basis not change my life? I worry about you guys. I overheard you talking to Lee yesterday-"

"And what you heard scared you? Is that the reason that you had your dad bring you home early," she probed gently, as she came to stand beside him.

"Yes."

"Why didn't you talk to us before your dad picked you up?"

"I didn't get a chance…"

She tilted her head slightly and eyed him skeptically.

"And I didn't think you'd level with me anyway. I understand that most of what you do is classified…I don't expect you to tell me anything that you shouldn't, but…"

He hung his head and didn't finish his sentence. She lifted his chin and forced him to make eye contact with her.

"Talk to me, Sweetheart, what were you going to say?"

"I don't understand why you can't talk to me about Agency stuff the same way that they show real police cases on that old TV show that Grandma likes."

"Do you mean 'Dragnet'?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"Jamie, that program was made a very long time ago, and it didn't portray the seamier aspects of law enforcement. Most of what Lee and I do is fairly routine, but sometimes a case can get messy." _How can I convince him that he isn't as ready to deal with the harsh realities as he thinks he is?_

"I've suspected that for a while now…seeing Lee's bloody clothing only confirmed my suspicions. He said that working with him has changed you, and you agreed with him. Has working for the Agency been bad for you?"

Author's note: Thanks for sticking with this story! The next chapter will reveal why Lee and Amanda are so deeply shaken.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Is there another interrogator in the family?

"What makes YOU think that working for the Agency has been bad for me," Amanda inquired of Jamie, in an attempt to deflect his question to her.

"I don't think that it's been bad for you, but I can't help thinking that you didn't keep your real job a secret from us simply to keep us safe. Even though you've known Lee for years, you didn't introduce him to us until after you'd already agreed to marry him. Are you embarrassed by some of the things that you and Lee have done?"

 _Good going Amanda, first I got caught off-guard by the bad guys, that's bound to happen to every agent at some point, but there's no excuse for my not being prepared to field questions from my own son. I know my boys, Phillip has always been inclined to let loose with a barrage of questions, and while Jamie asks far fewer questions, his questions probe much deeper. I suspected that his curiosity wasn't completely satisfied after Lee and I revealed our marriage and true careers to the boys, but I let the matter slide and now I'm going to pay for it._

Jamie stood very still, as he watched his mom chew nervously on her lower lip while she considered her reply to his question.

"As we explained to you guys, I wasn't an agent for the majority of the time that I've been with the Agency, I worked as a civilian auxiliary, and they don't generally get involved in anything truly intense-"

"But by your own admission," Jamie countered, employing his dad's lawyerly phrasing, "you didn't have the same experience that most civilian employees do. You were unofficially partnered with an experienced, hard-charging agent and you regularly went out into the field with him. Did you stay on the sidelines while Lee got his hands dirty?"

"Jamie, I don't what makes you think that Lee has dirty hands."

Overcome by an urgent desire to close the emotional chasm that she felt growing between them, she reached out and stroked her son's upper arm.

"You're making it sound as if Lee's done things that he should be ashamed of, or that I'm embarrassed by my connection to him."

"I'm not judging Lee."

A contemplative expression clouded the adolescent's usually boyish countenance, as he took a step back from his mother. _He's already judging himself harshly. He came home in blood soaked clothing, but he'd clearly scrubbed his hands and lower arms until they were raw._

"You're the one who's judged him and found him wanting," he accused in a tone of voice that he'd never used in addressing his mother before.

"No, I haven't," a discombobulated Amanda sputtered. "Do you think that I would have fallen in love with a man that I don't respect?"

"No, but…"

"But, what," she quickly interjected, upon mistakenly assuming that the usually reticent youth might be running out of steam.

"You act as if Lee's done things, and not just Agency stuff, that he should be ashamed of. When we were first getting to know him, you asked us not to question him about his past, and we tried to respect your wishes. We were glad _although I didn't admit it_ when he started to tell us about himself unprompted, but you often looked less than pleased that he was being so candid about some of the things that he's done in the past. He's not bragging about his old lifestyle, yet he acknowledges his mistakes…he owns them and lets us know why he regrets the choices that he made. In spite of the fact that Dad left you to raise us alone, with Grandma's help, you've put him up on a pedestal, and act as if we should see him as a role model , but…umm, I'm getting off-topic here…it's Lee that we're talking about. He needs to talk about your current case, and I think that I could persuade him to confide in me, "Dragnet"- style of course, please let me try to help him."

"Jamie, I don't know what to say," the tired mom conceded with a sad shake of her head. "I've noticed that you've gotten taller, yet I failed to realize how much growing up you've been doing. Believe me," she implored, "my priority has always been to protect you and Phillip, to do whatever I believed was in your best interest."

"I know that, and I appreciate it, but sometimes you can be over-"

"-protective," Amanda jumped in, with a laugh in her voice. "You may be surprised to hear that Lee can be extremely overprotective, but he is, and there are times when it drives me crazy! I promise to try to keep that feeling in mind when I'm dealing with you from now on. I'm so happy that you and Lee have finally bonded, and I'm truly impressed by your desire to try to help him deal with the aftermath of our case."

"I hear a 'but' coming," Jamie ventured with a smile on his face for the first time since their conversation had begun. "We both know that he'll begin to feel better after he talks about whatever went wrong. If you're right, and he won't confide in me because of my age, than you've got to get him to talk to you."

"Lee needs to talk to somebody who can look at what happened objectively…and that isn't me. A civilian is dead because he ignored his well-honed instincts and gave the benefit of the doubt to someone he shouldn't have, at my urging. He isn't the only one with blood on his hands," she confessed brokenly.

Author's note: Jamie had more to say than I had initially anticipated, and since I truly like him, I allowed him to speak his mind. I regret failing to get into a lengthy exploration of how Lee and Amanda's case went south, but I promise that will be the subject of the next chapter. Thank you for indulging my literary whim. I appreciate your willingness to continue to follow my story and offer feedback!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!


	6. Chapter 6

The initial giddiness that he felt when he discovered that his mom had returned home safely had quickly evaporated. Jamie was awash in a sea of emotions, too many to identify and process in anything that remotely resembled a rational process. The additional relief that he'd felt when Lee also returned safely was supplanted by shock as his eyes were riveted on his stepfather's blood drenched attire. It wasn't the first time that he'd seen blood stains on someone's clothing, but the only place where he'd seen that level of gore was in a horror movie, and truth be told, that genre was more Phillip's taste than his.

 _Mom and Lee are safe, and everything is going to be okay. Well, not really okay, an innocent person is dead…I shouldn't be surprised…how could someone have suffered so much blood loss and survive? When Mom was shot in California, were Lee's clothes soaked with her blood?_

The color slowly drained from his face, while he turned away from his mother and unsteadily made his way back to the table. A very concerned Amanda quickly followed him, and knelt down at his side.

"Sweetie, what's the matter?"

"You could've died," he stated quietly, seemingly looking in her direction, while not really focusing on her presence beside him.

"Jamie, look at me!" She raised his chin and continued, "I'm fine, and I was never in the line of fire."

"You were shot," he uttered brokenly, as tears started to slowly roll down his cheeks.

 _Oh my gosh, he's not reacting to what happened last night, he's thinking about when I was shot in California._ She gently enfolded him in her arms, and held him as he silently cried. After a few minutes had passed, he pulled out of her embrace and roughly swiped a hand across his red-rimmed eyes.

"I'm sorry that I acted like such a wimp…I'm okay, really…I usually try not to think back to…you know. When Grandma told us what had happened to you she looked so sad and almost frightened, and you know that nothing scares her. She called Dad, and he came right over to stay with us. Phillip asked him if you might…die, but I didn't stick around to hear his answer because if I didn't hear him say 'yes', than maybe it wouldn't happen."

"Jamie, I'm so sorry that you boys had to go through that. I wish you had leaned on your dad more, that's what he was here for."

"What about Lee," he asked, seemingly out of left-field. "Who did he have to turn to? Was he covered in your blood then?"

 _They'd been seated in the cramped confines of the Corvette for several hours and her legs had begun to cramp. She could only imagine how uncomfortable her much taller husband must have been feeling. This wasn't technically an Agency case, yet they'd been waiting in the mostly darkened parking lot of an out of business supermarket to witness the hand-off of incriminating documents in a drug case. Their conversation about Phillip's poor grades was suddenly interrupted by gunshots, and the unmistakable sound of a windshield shattering, as two cars entered the lot from the opposite side. She was stunned by the all too familiar sounds, and as she shook off the briefest of flashbacks she turned to her partner-only to find that he had bolted from the car and was running into the line of fire. She knew in an instant that she shouldn't follow him. She removed her own weapon from its holster, aimed it to potentially cover him, and radioed for backup. The gunplay ended quickly and one of the cars pealed out of the lot. Sensing that the danger had passed, she rushed from the Corvette and ran to her partner who was cradling the mortally wounded body of a civilian who shouldn't even have been there. How had things gone so terribly wrong?_

"Mom, Mom?" She was still next to him, but she appeared to be focused on some place miles away. "You're scaring me…you look even more out of it than Lee did before. What happened to you guys last night?"

"It didn't happen to us, it happened to a pair of sisters who trusted us to help them and we let them down. If Lee hadn't listened to me-"

"Don't go there, Amanda," her husband warned, as he reentered the room. He'd cleaned up, but didn't look any less haunted by their shared experience. "I'm the senior agent, and I made the ultimate decision about how we'd proceed…it's just that I didn't follow my own rules along the way."

Jamie watched the couple eyeing each other guardedly, and quickly decided that it was more important for them to talk through their experience privately, his concerns could wait.

"Mom, Lee, I just remembered that I have homework to do. I'll be up in my room- with the radio playing very loudly. See 'ya later."

Author's note: I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my friend, Luz. She accepted an early retirement package that was offered by the company that we've both worked for over twenty years. This was her last week at work, and it was bittersweet. I'm very happy for her, but I'll miss her terribly.

In Spanish, her name means light, and she truly lit up the lives of everyone that she worked with. Like Amanda, she reached out to others automatically, and was relentlessly upbeat and supportive. She was genuinely surprised by the outpouring of affection that she received during this past week because she doesn't think that she'd done anything extraordinary. I'm very glad that there are people like her in the world.

Thank you, readers, for waiting for this chapter and indulging my melancholy mood.


	7. Chapter 7

"Are we back to that again," Amanda asked tiredly. "I'm no longer the naïve civilian who used to follow you around and blindly do whatever you told me to."

"I think that your memory is failing you, you were never blindly obedient."

He flopped down at the table and picked up the coffee cup that he'd been drinking from earlier. Wincing at the cold temperature of the beverage that he relied on to keep himself going, he irritably put the cup down.

"If I had followed all of your orders to the letter, you wouldn't have survived our first year together," she replied smugly, while placing a steaming cup of coffee in front of him despite her own exhaustion.

"Touché." He sipped from the fresh cup and smiled at her appreciatively. "Thanks," he said in a gravelly voice, and with an all encompassing flourish of his left hand. "I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have you looking after me."

"Your welcome, that's what partners…and wives do." She kissed him tenderly, and then sat down across the table from him.

"You told me once that you're stronger than you look, and you're right-I've come to draw so much of my strength from the bond that's developed between us."

He reached across the table top and placed one of his hands over her smaller ones. Their eyes locked momentarily before she withdrew her hands and looked away sadly.

"You're giving me too much credit; you were a strong person and a great agent long before you ever met me. If anything, I've become your Achilles' heel…Mr. Melrose and the others think that my moderating influence over you has been a positive thing, but I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe, you broke your own rules because I-"

"This isn't about you," he interrupted, roughly pushing back his chair and stalking away from the table. "Well, not exactly, it's about you and your family…our family and how getting to know all of you has changed me. I'm not the man that you met at the train station, and now I can admit to wanting things that I was never willing to acknowledge before. I love being a part of a real family again."

"Lots of agents have strong family ties so I don't understand how getting close to us has diminished you as an agent. I know that worrying about protecting the boys, and Mother, can be distracting, but it's nothing that we can't deal with together."

"You don't get it," he grumbled, as he violently raked his hand through his hair and began to pace back and forth.

"I'm trying to understand-"

"But, I'm not explaining myself well. I've been protecting them from potential threats from the outset, you were a civilian and it was a part of the job." _Ah hell, that didn't come out the way I meant it to._

"I'm sorry that I was a burden," she began with hurt etched on her face and tingeing her voice.

"Stop, you were never a burden," he uttered contritely.

Realizing that he'd inadvertently put his foot in his mouth, she decided to lighten the mood in hopes of drawing him out further.

"Maybe, I was a nuisance or an irritant at times?"

"I won't argue with you, but we're getting off-topic. As I got to know you, and by extension them, better I became more and more interested in your lives. I was fascinated by your normal existence, and I had to grudgingly admit to myself that there was far more to life than the Agency…and I wanted more for myself."

"I still don't see where the problem lies."

"When we became…more than partners…I got greedy. I wasn't satisfied with just a little life outside of the Agency, no, I wanted the whole package and my career which had been my whole life for so long wasn't my top priority anymore."

"What's wrong with that?" _How did I manage to go from being married to one man who let his professional ambitions destroy our marriage, to listening to my second husband lament that he's let our life together become more important to him than his career?_

"Any agent that doesn't consistently put business first is a danger to everyone around him. I've lost my focus-I don't obsess over every case and I don't aspire to die in the line of duty. Hell, I never thought that I'd ever feel this way, but I'd like to live to a ripe old age. If my head had truly been in the game over the last few days, Jessica wouldn't be dead now."

"That's simply not true," Amanda rebuked her despondent husband, her brown eyes flashing angrily. "I heard you out, and now I expect you to listen to how I remember how this case played out."

Author's note: Thanks for continuing to follow this story! Stay tuned for the conclusion which will be coming later this week.


	8. Chapter 8

"You seem convinced that you've changed dramatically over the years that we've known each other, and I was inclined to think so too, but boy was I wrong-you're more arrogant than ever!"

A stung Lee leaned against the kitchen counter, rubbed the back of his neck, and tried to process what he felt was his wife's unprovoked verbal assault on him.

"Hey, you're not being fair here, I've definitely evolved-" 

"Evolved? Hmmph! When I first met you, you didn't hesitate to brag about being the greatest agent in Agency history." He had the good-grace to look slightly embarrassed, yet she was on a roll and she didn't let up on him. "If you've 'evolved', it's only in that you now believe that you have godlike powers."

"What? Where did that come from," he demanded indignantly.

"You said it yourself, you and you alone had the power to prevent Jessica's death…and I suppose Agent Murphy's as well, even though he'd sold out, but since you're omnipotent you should have-"

"Should have done what? I'm only human."

"Precisely my point, you're just one man…one agent…and even though you are one of the best, you had no control over all the variables in this case. You couldn't have known that Murphy was dirty, he'd been your friend years ago."

She knew that she was getting through to him, his angry countenance had morphed into a more contemplative one, and he no longer appeared poised for further combat.

"We were never friends; we began our careers in the early seventies, and attended many of the same inter-agency seminars. After hours, we hung out in the same bars and pursued invitations to the same upper crust parties, but I never thought of him as a friend."

"You barely knew Murphy, so you couldn't have vouched for his integrity."

"Amanda, I can see where you're headed with this, but while I didn't implicitly vouch for him, I did give Jessica his name when I told her that we couldn't help her with her problem. She trusted me enough to ask for my help, and what did I do, I handed her off to someone I hadn't seen in years."

"You had no choice, she's a…was a pharmacist in a DC hospital. The improprieties that Jessica stumbled onto didn't fall into the Agency's jurisdiction. We couldn't personally help her, and so our only option was to tell her that she needed to discuss her suspicions with a DEA agent. You didn't turn your back on her; you gave her the name of someone who was more than qualified to help her." _He can't argue with that logic, although I was surprised by how easily he hooked Jessica up with Murphy and moved on with our own cases._ _It isn't like him to not try to wheedle an Agency connection to a case so that he could help someone that he knows._

"Yeah, I played this one by the book, but that isn't like me at all. I've never been a by the book kinda guy…I'm a rule-bender by nature, but lately I've been avoiding taking on extra cases and I'm more than willing to work a nine to five day and then head home. If-"

"Life is full of what ifs, but we can't obsess over every choice that we make, it isn't healthy."

"Healthy? Is being shot full of holes good for one's health," Lee demanded as he closed the distance between himself and Amanda. "Two people were shot to death on my watch last night." He raked a hand through his hair and planted himself in front of her.

 __"And now you're going to mourn the death of a corrupt federal agent? Jessica is dead because Murphy blackmailed her into bringing all the evidencethat she had against him and his cohorts to that parking lot. As soon as we knew for sure that he was on the take, we stepped in and told Jessica to stay away from him, and if she'd listened to us-"

"So now you're blaming the victim-they'd grabbed her sister, and she had no choice but to do whatever he told her to do."

"That's why her death is my fault," Amanda said brokenly, while hanging her head. "When Jessica came to us and said that Murphy was giving her the creeps, I thought that she was just being skittish because she wasn't dealing with an agent that she knew personally. I was so deeply into agent-mode that I didn't take her concerns about his questionable behavior seriously. If-"

"Hold it right there," he lifted her chin and forced her to look at him. "According to your rules, 'ifs' are out of bounds. Initially, I agreed with you about Jessica's uneasiness with Murphy, it wasn't until she told us that he flatly refused to meet with her in the DEA building or accept phone calls from her there that I couldn't ignore my instincts any longer. To some degree, we both failed her and she wouldn't be dead-"

"If she hadn't been setup by a corrupt agent and shot down by drug dealers who cold-bloodedly murdered both of them. They're the people who have blood on their hands, not us," she declared, as she tenderly grasped his hands and held them tightly.

"You're right." He rubbed her hands with his thumbs, and gently grazed her lips with his own. "But I'm still not sure that I have the same appetite for this business that I used to."

"This whole mess is too fresh for us to make any big determinations about our careers right now. Speaking of appetites, we have a hungry teen upstairs, and I think we should get him to come down here so that we can all have a proper breakfast."

They all still had a lot of issues to deal with, but they'd been building up over time and they'd take time to address properly.

Author's note: Thank you for your indulgence as it took me longer to complete this story than I'd anticipated. I hope you enjoyed the journey. I think I'll stick to one-shots for a while…if you're still interesting in following my stories.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!


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